Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
