you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
