I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
