did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
