I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
