no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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