he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
