party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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