Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
