So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
