She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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