I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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