Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
