I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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