I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
