Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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