So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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