I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
