Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
