my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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