We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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