Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
