I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize