He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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