you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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