I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
