I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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