my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
