Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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