you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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