miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
soo... how was my night?
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