New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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