If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
