Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
