I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
