how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
