I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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