can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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