can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
