god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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