I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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