Whatcha textin bout Willis?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
