I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
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