Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
