I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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