so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize