I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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