Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
