I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
