i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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