Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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