I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
