Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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