Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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