How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
