I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
