Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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